This journal is a lot better with a Choco-Taco

O! reminiscing and allegories.

2007-11-07T07:43:56Z

But, in all honesty, the barn party was a lot of fun and your presence put it over the top. And I mean OVER THE TOP! We were maybe three, four hundred miles over the top. The top wasn't even in sight anymore. People would look down and say "Can you believe way down there is the top? It's so small--it's like it doesn't exist!" And pretty soon we didn't think of the top at all.

The top on the other hand grew angry after being so easily forgotten, and joined up with the middle and the bottom and together they made plans on how they could reek havoc on the entire human race and regain their rightful place in the minds of men. So, I guess thanks to you there's gonna be a lot of crazy coming pretty soon.

This entry was a long time coming, and has nothing to show for it.

2007-02-14T05:04:25Z

It wasn't so much that he was naked, or even that he was walking downtown -- it was that darn eye patch! Who do you think you are -- a naked pirate?! Your lack of depth perception is an illustration of your lack of character.

Uh, yeah, sure, ahoy to you, too, matey.

I'm going to get a mink and give him a human coat.

2006-11-15T05:08:13Z

Are there any famous dolphin experts?

How about Kethleen Dudsinski?

Yeah. Yeah, she's pretty good.

I should write a biography on her. The Porpoise Driven Life. How about My World as Sea World: The Kathleen Dudsinski Story. That's really good.

Is she dead? No. Then there's no hope in this thing selling.

Does she say anything cool about dolphins?

"We've also seen groups of individuals that will form pairs or triplets or groups of four dolphins, all sort of in this big gang war, going after each other, fighting and fighting and fighting."

A gang of dolphins! Maybe I could write a book about that -- about two different gangs. One will call themselves "The Dolphins" and the other will be "The Planes." Maybe it oculd be a type of Romeo and Juliet adaptation. But underwater. And it's a musical, too. Yeah, this is really good.

Caucasion, Cetacean, and Tax Evasion: The Life and Times of Kathleen Dudsinski.

Alright. Yeah. This is coming together real nicely.

Just another apology for the masses...

2006-11-10T07:23:41Z

I would like to apologize for being so frank about colon cancer in my last post. I wish I could claim that I was just being funny, but let's be honest, that was borderline insensitive.

But the truth of the matter is that my grandfather was just diagnosed with the horrible ailment that is colon cancer. So I guess you could say I was writing a piece in hopes of relieving the pangs a person feels when they first hear that a loved one has cancer. And it doesn't help that the colon cancer service announcements are bad, too. Not only do people have to suffer through this terrible disease, but any television watching American has to suffer through these equally terrible commercials.

But the truth of the matter is that my grandfather's illness didn't consequently inspire me to write that last piece. In fact, the moment of creation came while I was in my English class, listening to the teacher lecture, where he said, and I quote, "I don' t like colons." But who would? The last time I saw a sack of poo it was on Old Man Tennyson's porch, lit on fire while my friends and I hid behind a bush watching him stomp it out with his bare foot.

But the truth of the matter is that I already have conceived an idea for my next post, and it is going to prove to be another example of my insensitivity to sufferings of the entire human race, so I hope that this apology will be sufficient in excusing my behavior for every post to come.

Thank you.

Adam Ross Muchortow

Because the last three subjects have ended as exclamations, I will make this one end as a question?

2006-11-09T07:17:29Z

J:ust as t:he multitudes: before me, I to:o have joined the el::ite group of cosmopolites: that set o:ut on the up hill bat:tle to reach the Nirvana: that is writing with: both hands -- simultaneously. But rest: assured, my g:o:al o:f nothingness: is filled with m:uch more th:an theirs: -- bei:ng able to write: with both hand:s -- at t:he s:ame: time -- while: wri:ting: different tho:ughts: (and he:re's th:e kicker) in :differe:nt lang:uag:es!

(This entry has colon cancer.)

Let's keep the english language evolving!

2006-11-08T09:04:12Z

Don't get me wrong - apostrophes, in their time, were a grand time saving invention, and considered revolutionary when they first were introduced to the language in the 17th century. But this is the 21st century, and new advancements must be made! The last known improvement was the tilde, and look what good that did us! And, come on, the irony mark

I've been trying my best to direct you, my noble readers, to the use of a more enriched english. But these attempts have only given you access to the unknown secrets of our own language.

It's time we take it a step further.

I have decided that being restricted to the use of one apostrophe per group of words that can be apostrophized (is that a word? It is now - start using it unceasingly, readers!) has gone on for too long! So I bestow upon you, gentle reader, the "double apostrophe!"

Let me give you an example.

Sentence: "I would not have gone to my cousin's funeral if they did not have the complimentary mints."

Instead of only being allowed to contract would not, we are now liberated from such friviolous restrictions, and able to write a more beautiful, shorter (in size) sentence:

"I would'nt've gone to my cousin's funeral if they didn't've the complimentary mints."

Not only does it look beautiful, it sounds beautiful, too. Go ahead, let it just roll off your tongue.

I expect this to be the next rage in college papers and modern literature.

Think smart, America.

Cat Stevens was once locked in a bag for months!

2006-11-05T02:24:54Z

The fact that people actually say "It's time to let the cat out of the bag," leads me to believe that at one time, lots of people were actually putting cats in bags.

ROLAND: Do you have a pen Charlene?

CHARLENE: Sure, in my purse. Just hang on a minute. (She rumages through her purse. An obnoxious cat's meow is heard.)

ROLAND: Oh, oh my, Charlene, I think it's time to let the cat out of the bag.

CHARLENE: (She closes her purse and hands Roland a pen) No...no, not yet.

Capricious Eurythmics!

2006-10-27T01:43:40Z

I have good news, America! As I was looking up the word capricious in the dictionary the other day, I found that the wonderful individuals behind the Marriam-Webster corporation have finally included capri pants in the dictionary. But wait -- the news only gets better: I had to then look up the word eurythmics, and as I ambled through the vast hallway that is alphabatized words, I stumbled upon the entry el cheapo. The best part of all is that el cheapo isn't considered slang, but instead regarded as the beautiful adjective that it is! America, it is time to embrace our new language! Come on, hug these words -- it won't be awkward -- we'll make sure to keep it strictly platonic. I expect each and every one of you to use these words in your day to day vocabulary, and even more, use them in your college essays, or else you should reconsider calling yourself an American. This is our future, and let's enjoy making it our past.

Thought I had while having a thought about batman while thinking about robins.

2006-09-28T15:39:08Z

Gotham

or

Got ham?

"Not yet, but I'd love some, thank you."

The spoon is the only eating utensil that isn't also easily converted into a weapon.

2006-09-28T04:45:03Z

Forget pick-pocketing! Pocket Picking is where it's at!

Instead of taking things out of people's pockets, you just take the pockets right off their pants!

Right now, I have a collection of 432 pockets, which I'm planning to sew into a pair of "pocket pants."

One time, I got so into it, I tore off somebodie's entire pair of pants.
I blame the victim - he should have been wearing underwear!

Apparently, the Ultimate Fighting Challenge is for wimps.

2006-07-25T05:19:07Z

Forget sincere hugging! Extreme hugging is where it's at!

Extreme hugging is the new sport that is taking the world by storm! The goal is to hug as many people as you can in thirty seconds.

Extra points are awarded for two-pats, rubs, and any other variations of the standard hug.

I have a personal record of two-hundred hugs within the thirty second time limit. I was penalized for putting two girls in a coma, which lost me a few points.
I blame the contestants - they should be wearing helmets.

Another reason why Adam Muchortow has no need for college...

2006-04-22T04:57:50Z

A business motto that proves itself: "If it sounds professional, it is professional."

sexymanfabio @ 2006-03-11T18:12:00

2006-03-11T23:14:55Z

Broken Promises R Us: Where all our dissatisfied costumers are satisfied costumers.

The first quiz I've posted in a long time, but I thought, "Well, everybody's doing it..."

2006-02-23T22:23:13Z

<td align="center"> Adam Muchortow --
[noun]:

A master of storytelling

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

So true, so true. It reminds me of that one time at my grandma's house when my sister said to me "Tell us a story." So I thought for a second and said, "I'll tell you the story 'Little Jimmy Leaves Home.'"

So I started, "It was just another August day, and Little Jimmy decided to leave home. The end."

So, I don't know where I'm trying to go with this, so someone else take it. Just leave a comment that finishes the story.

Old poetry, new readers. (And for the record, Abraham Lincoln is my favorite president)

2006-01-18T22:28:33Z

"Just Because It Sounds Like Poetry Doesn't Mean It Is"

It was...

yesterday...

the old porcelein must celebrate the wet dirt
(it is that time of year, again)
green dog and soft glass needle
fly
into the tempurpedic pavement.

It's all
candy poetry
and
ghost kisses

"Feed me, feed me!"
cries the giant apple
to the hungry sinners.

This red ferocious secret squirms into life:
The ironic truth is that Juiceman
is, in fact, a mattress,
and a female one at that.

Hands come in handy,
especially when you have no feet!

My opposable thumbs
seem to oppose nothing now-a-days but the
recent war in Iraq.

Change the melting courdoroy window:
it's broken.

The coffee trees are upset
because Mr. Coffee(TM) keeps
grinding all their children.

Hear me:
Speak words as if morning breath
to a newborn baby
and question the poison marble champagne.
Listen closer yet:
The decaying translucent man
wears velvet universe perfume.

Yes,
Abraham Lincoln will kill again.

There's Yellow American cheese, and White American cheese, but where's the African American cheese?

2006-01-15T21:44:44Z

(A conversation with my boss that I had today, after he saw me bringing home a piece of Lorraine Swiss cheese in order to take a picture of it.)

BOSS: What do you got there?

ADAM: A piece of Lorraine Swiss.

BOSS: What the heck are you going to do with only one peice of cheese?!

ADAM: Well, it looks really cool today, and I think it would make a cool picture. After I photograph it I'm gonna eat it.

BOSS: Oh, well, that makes some sense. But, do this for me: before you eat it, look at it for a while, change the angles, squint your eyes - whatever you have to do - and see if there's something in there, like a picture of Jesus or something.

ADAM: And then we could sell it on eBay!

BOSS: We'll split the profit 50/50.

ADAM: (eye-ing his boss) 60/40.

BOSS: Did you pay for that cheese?

ADAM: (still eye-ing his boss) 50/50 it is.

Adam Muchortow: Professional Failure

2006-01-13T02:36:41Z

Why do I sweat so much?

Why did they make it hard to put pants on when you have shoes on?

Maybe if I didn't have pants on I wouldn't sweat so much.

Do I have pants on?

Is the oven on?

Are my pants in the oven?

What type of casserole am I making anyway?

Maybe I should go outside.

Maybe then I wouldn't sweat so much.

Maybe I should put pants on first.

Oscar the Grouch reminds you to recycle

2006-01-10T20:13:52Z

So, after failing to complete my physics assignment today, I noticed that, in fact, I fail to complete many things as a whole. There's such a big list, I thought that I could write a novel about it, called "Adam Muchortow Fails to Complete Anything."

And then I wouldn't finish the novel.

But I guess that if I want to cha

An Apology for the Masses

2006-01-05T03:38:03Z

After being informed that my journal inspires subtle side effects, such as nausea, diarrhea, and suicidal thoughts, I would like to aplogize. It seems that for every 14 people that enjoy my writings, 35 experience side effects. Not a good ratio if you ask me (but not a bad one in comparison to many [illegal] drugs). To explain my behavior, odd mentality, and the sudden switch between comedic to wanna-be (see: bad) poetry, I will quote the famous Chinese proverb:

"Sometimes I feel like a nut...sometimes I don't."

I hope this has cleared up any harsh feelings, and we can all get along now.

Adam Muchortow

"It's like a cosmic game of Monopoly out there!"

2006-01-03T00:38:54Z

I heard the stars whispering last night.

They were talking about me,
and saying they could tell I was hurting inside.

One made a joke about hurting more than nuclear fusion.
Alpha Centurai laughed so hard he nearly super nova'd.

The conversation eventually led to asking if someone in the sombrero galaxy was still selling baby planets,
and something about a new laundro-mat opening in the horse head nebula.

And then there was silence,

and the stars have since forgotten about me.

Go to Paris, he says. Write some peotry, he says...

2006-01-01T20:05:56Z

When I became a hermit,
loneliness became me.
Do you notice a theme here?
Something's missing;
there must be more
or is the more knowing
that nothing's missing?
"This isn't poetry,
this is chicken scratch
this is elementary.
I bet he doesn't even know
who Thomas Dylan
or T.S. Eliot
Robert Frost
Emily Dickinson
or even Shakespeare is.
The only poets he knows are the Beatles."
I am a copyright infringement.
I am a 10,000 dollar lawsuit.
I am a 13 dollar sports coat.
When nothingness becomes me
I will become nothing
But I hear nothing is everything
so let me be nothing more.

I wonder if Dave Thomas even knew a girl named Wendy...

2006-01-01T04:23:36Z

Wait a minute - wait a minute! You're telling me your job sucks? People sit on me for a living - don't give me your crap! All day I work, with no breaks - turns out La-Z-Boys aren't so lazy after all (or boys for that matter; I had a very beautiful mother, with a burgandy skin blend, 70% cotton, 30% velvet, and a pair of legs to die for. My father was a bean bag). So, now that we've established this 'relationship,' if you will, I will politely ask you to stop sitting on my face. I think I'll travel the world. I think I'll go to Paris, settle down, write some poetry. Well, maybe I shouldn't get carried away here -- first I'll learn how to write.

I guess this is it then. It's been a fabulous 7 years together. Me sitting on your floor, you sitting on me. Now that I'm leaving, I find myself remembering all the fun things we used to do: staying up late, trying to find a seven letter word that is a crayon manufacturer, watching the game every Monday, taking a nice afternoon nap. I'm really gonna miss you. I'm sorry - I'm sorry. I told myself I wouldn't get all choked up like this. Just give me a sec.

Ahem. Well, this is it. I'll come by and visit, I promise. You take care.

Nerds calm down a bit!

2005-12-31T05:21:25Z

Listen, what I'm trying to say here is -- I'm trying to say that -- let me put it this way: If you like my body, and you think I'm sexy - come on baby, let me know. Are you following that? I'm finding so many ways to say it, but it all comes down to this: I think I love you. I'm prety sure you like good poetry, and that's the only Rod Stewart song I know, but don't you feel it, too? Would Lionel Richie have been better?

but seriously folks...

2005-12-30T00:24:23Z

So I think the coolest thing I ever heard is that a lady from my work is related to Art Van, the man himself.

I need to find out how to marry into that family!

Adam Van.

...

love it.

nerds go wild!

2005-12-30T00:16:48Z

Listen, what I'm trying to say here is -- I'm trying to say that -- let me put it this way: I'll be your Little Pete if you'll be my Older Pete. Are you following that? I don't know how else to say it; I think I love you. I know I don't really know you, and I have a restraining order, but do you not feel it, too?